my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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