i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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