i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
