my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
