I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
