dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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