Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
