I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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