if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
3pm strippers are depressing
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
