Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
