Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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