Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize