Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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