Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize