I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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