Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
