Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
