The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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