the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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