cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
