Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
look no pants
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
