dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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