So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
