Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
