is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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