i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it glows. i had to have it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
