Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
