That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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