So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
