So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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