He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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