i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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