His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
