so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
