Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
