And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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