I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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