So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
