i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
did i just pee glitter
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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