You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I believe in your delicious
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
