The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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