why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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