if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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