there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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