how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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