You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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