3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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