the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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