oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ttyl tear gas
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
