My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
