Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
