Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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