Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
