My sheets look like a crime scene.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
