I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
