Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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