Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
