I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
